Welcome to the wonderful world of pedantic political punditry. This is the companion blog to the Hawke and Dove weekly podcasts, which launched on April 1, 2007. Show notes and transcripts will be posted here, in addition to opinions on newsworthy items each day. Register here to join the debate. Comment. Berate. Repeat.

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Myron Bunkerling: Despite strong initial showing in many polls, quasi-candidate Fred Thompson has not raised much campaign cash, has not declared his candidacy, and has already had some staff shake-ups. Is Fred DOA, or AOK?

Brick Hawke: Mr. Thompson’s strategy jouer aux pokerjouer o poker gratuitementjeu poker internet,jeux de poker sur internet,poker internettelecharger poker 3dpoker a telechargerregles au pokerprofessional poker tourtelechargement jeu poker gratuitesjeu de poker online gratuitesjouez au poker gratuitementsalle poker en lignepoker en ligne à télécharger gratuitementmeilleur jeu de pokerpoker en ligne gratuites francaisjeux poker internetjeux pour enfantsjeu poker ligne gratuitesle jeu de poker françaisjeu poker tourjeu poker onlinepoker 770le jeu vidéo pokerpoker gratuites cadeaupoker pas en lignepoker tournamenttelecharger evrest pokertelecharger gratuitement pokerpoker en ligne et gratuitestournois pokerjeu javajouer au video pokerjeu de poker 3djeu poker en lignejouer au poker sans telechargementcomment jouer au pokercomparatif poker onlinetelecharger poker 770apprendre jouer pokerworld poker tournamentjouer au poker holdemtelecharger poker francaistelecharger jeu poker holdemjouer 7 card studeuro poker gratuitesune régle du jeu de pokerpoker internet gratuitespoker texas holden gratuitespoker hold hem gratuitessites poker onlinejeux poker tour gratuites is stealthy. So stealthy that not even he has been apprised of it yet. Indeed I believe, he will let the other Republicans in the field campaign, spend their money, win the nomination and even the White House. Then, when no one is suspecting it, he will make his move… to Palm Springs.

Attacus Dove: Why is it that the Republicans are so good at recruiting the few actors they have in their ranks to run for office, whereas we liberals foolishly leave ours alone? We have so many! Imagine these candidates, each of whom guaranteed to win the presidency, if only they were to run: Beatty. Streisand. Penn. How about a Sarandon/Robbins ticket? Oprah / Obama? Or the ultimate progressive ticket, running on a pro-civil unions platform: Bert / Ernie.

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Myron Bunkerling: John Edwards has created his own youtube style video using the musical “Hair” to combat another youtube video mocking his coif. Are these internet tactics signs of the campaign to come?

Brick Hawke: Indeed, I fear we are approaching the most dumbed-down campaign since 2002 when we were invited to choose a new color M&M. (Voters picked “purple,” much to my consternation as I had long advocated for “gunmetal grey.”) In any event, if I have to sit through one more amateurish youtube video from a presidential candidate, I am going to barricade myself in my home with some real entertainment: my comprehensive collection of Don Rickles on VHS.

Attacus Dove: Anyone notice that Bricke Hawke is bald?

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Myron Bunkerling: Insiders report that while Senators Obama and Clinton are civil in front of the cameras, behind the scenes they treat each other with silence and tension. Your insights?

Brick Hawke: So Barack Obama would rather talk to Kim Jongh Il and Mahmood Ahmadinejad than talk to Hillary Clinton. That’s not news. So would President Bush and every red-blooded American male with a shred of self-respect. Oh, and Bill Clinton too. Ambassador to the world, indeed. More like Ambassador-to-anyone-but-my-frigid-wife.

Attacus Dove: Of course they can barely speak to each other behind the scenes. They’re too busy picturing each other behind the sheets! I mean, I look at the entire Democratic field and I get all excited. You’ve got the pin-up boy looks of John Edwards, the sexy librarian that is Hilary Clinton, and the animal passion that is Mike Gravel. I’m delirious just waiting for the next debate - imagine a three-way question with Dodd, Biden, and Kucinich!

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Myron Bunkerling: Senate Democrats recently moved to cut off funding for Vice President Dick Cheney’s office in a continuing battle over whether he must comply with national security disclosure rules. Should these funds be cut?

Brick Hawke: You think Dick Cheney needs federal funds to run an office? Insiders tell me that the Vice President is just chomping at the bit to forego federal funding and let his office be subsidized by the private sector. He has even picked a new chair, a platinum design by Hadi Teherani. It features lumbar massage, seven secret compartments, and a button which will send a piercing pain shooting through the neck of any meddling cabinet secretaries. Also, the height is adjustable.

Attacus Dove: These funds should unequivocally be cut. In fact, Democrats in Congress should go bigger and de-fund the war. Then they should de-fund Bush’s office. Then they should de-fund themselves, and pass a constitutional amendment that only people with good enough hearts to serve their country for donuts can be elected in any office across the land. The saturated fat content of the donuts ensures that we won’t get another Dick Cheney, and the “work for food” ethic ensures that we’ll have a large number of out-of-work, liberal, Hollywood actors ready to lead. Utopia!

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Myron Bunkerling: Frustrated by the Bush’s use of presidential signing statements to challenge or ignore provisions of legislation, Senator Arlen Specter has reintroduced legislation to rein in the President’s ability to use the tactic. Do signing statements make for good law?

Brick Hawke: The point is moot. If the bill passes, the President has already prepared a signing statement which says that a) the Executive Branch has the authority to make infinite signing statements, b) furthermore, the Executive Branch considers all utterances from Arlen Spectre as the nonsensical whining of a ninny headed mish-mosh-moderate with funny jowls no eyebrows, and c) the President as Commander in Chief can make Arlen Spectre his personal slave forever in perpetuity throughout the universe no touchbacks.

Attacus Dove: Signing statements do not make good law. Signing statements don’t make any kind of law. Congress makes law. Come on, Myron, read your Constitution before asking such silly questions. Signing statements are merely meant to be a window into the Presidential state of mind while signing a bill. So one has to wonder why so many of Bush’s signing statements are actually signed by others, including Cheney, Rove, and someone referring to himself as fratboycheer68@rnc.com.

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Myron Bunkerling: Rumors abound that the Bush administration will close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, but Vice President Cheney and Attorney General Gonzalez want it to remain open. Has Gitmo’s time passed?

Brick Hawke: Yes. We should close Guantanamo… and build a state-of-the-art, space-based torture facility. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Brick, what about the limitations? How do we water board in zero gravity?” Sure there will be down sides. But think of the benefits! Like how fun it would be to shoot these scum-bags out of the airlock and watch their guts pop out of their nostrils.

Attacus Dove: Guantanamo should be transformed from the modern day gulag it is to an endangered wild bird sanctuary. Then George Bush should be sent there to clean the birdcages, an event that can be televised on Telemundo under the name, “Guano a mano at Guantanamo.”

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Myron Bunkerling: President Bush has commuted the sentence of Cheney aide Lewis “Scooter” Libby. Has justice been served?

Brick Hawke: Bush did the right thing, but did not go far enough. Libby deserves not just commutation but a full pardon. Also, G. Gordon Liddy deserves an appointment to Cabinet. And while we’re on the subject, Dubya should reverse Warren Harding’s commutation of the prison sentence on that rat-fink pinko rabble-rouser Eugene V. Debs. I say we incarcerate the corpse!

Attacus Dove: Justice has been served, unfortunately, the waiter screwed up the order. Justice asked for an appetizer of monetary compensation, accompanied by a nice bottle of italian probation, with a main course of incarceration. Well, wouldn’t you know it, the main course never arrived, the appetizer wasn’t nearly substantial enough, and the drinks will probably be sent back. Needless to say, this restaurant sucks. What we need is to change the chef.

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Myron Bunkerling: The Senate has attempted to pass legislation increasing mileage standards to 35 mpg. Is this a worthwhile goal?

Brick Hawke: Good grief!? The federal government wants to tell me how fuel-efficient my vehicle must be? What’s next? Telling me I cannot turn left from the right hand lane?! Or that I cannot drive speedier than some arbitrary posted velocity?! Or that I must have some sort of safety strap that secures me to my seat like a bawling newborn?!?!? I say get the federal government out of our vehicles, and those of us with the means can finally take the dust covers off of our rocket cars.

Attacus Dove: 35 mpg is not worthwhile at all! We should be talking 1000 mpg! Congress simply doesn’t have the guts to stand up to the auto industry! And we shouldn’t merely regulate the industry, we should regulate consumers too! The government should buy Priuses for every citizen in the country, and the illegal immigrants too. And teach regular, free courses on the pulse and glide driving technique. At the very least, since they generally get better mileage, everyone should be required to own and learn how to drive a stick!

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Myron Bunkerling: Vice President Cheney now claims that his office is not an entity within the executive branch. Is this claim valid?

Brick Hawke: Why would anyone question someone as avuncular as Dick Cheney? I’m no constitutional scholar, but if good old Uncle Dick has had his people look into the matter, then it is probably true. Was Darth Vader part of the Imperial Military? No he was just Darth Vader, Lord of The Sith. Let’s put this matter behind us, and give Uncle Dick the funding needed to build a Death Star.

Attacus Dove: I’m glad to hear that Cheney’s workplace has been upgraded from “undisclosed location” to an office. Unfortunately for, and according to him, this office does not appear to be officially part of any government branch, legislative or executive, which is great news for all of us that have been hoping to impeach him — he just impeached himself!

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